Through Infertility
A Collective Experience & Abstract Expression
Representing Individual Unique Journeys… Through.
Through Infertility 1: There Will Be Hope
There Will Be Hope
This couple connected with me while in the midst of their infertility journey. It was here, as they found themselves deep in the trenches, that this painting came to life.
They have been struggling, trying and coping with diagnosis; managing fear and confusion and frustration and hopelessness for a while. In fact, they were on this journey for three years, unable to ovulate doctors had prescribed medications. Several months passed, as they watched their dreams and hopes slip farther out of reach, a miracle---they found themselves pregnant.
What a joyful surprise it is to have a treatment finally work.
However, after far too short of time, they experienced loss. The baby did not make it.
Dread, devastation, and heartbreak.
And yet, they had a renewed sense of hope. They moved forward with a more aggressive protocol. Setting parameters on how long and how much they would attempt before moving towards IVF.
Now, as they cautiously hope for another miracle, they find themselves planning for what is next... treatment and the unknown factors of the life that lay before them.
They have also begun work towards becoming foster parents.
Currently they are in a season of active waiting.
About their painting:
Blue wash represents both the life they have lived while experiencing infertility and the tears shed.
Three gray lines were added to represent each year of infertility. Next I used three different shades of yellow to incorporate hope and resilience. White was added to that yellow as a small reminder to keep going and to hold on to pure hope.
Finally, I added a flesh tone, representing the physical bodies, that are connected deeply to the emotional levels of this experience. Red represents anger and pain. Black was incorporated to represent loss. The blue elements represent strength, determination and life. The textured circle is painted in a soft rainbow hue. It represents the baby they lost.
Tiny specks of black and other small patterns are incorporated to the painting representing the small stings of pain and the repetitive and ongoing nature of treatment.
This whole painting represents strength. It is a tangible representation of their journey THROUGH INFERTILITY.
Through Infertility 2: Always Meant To Be
Always Meant To Be
This Couple’s story begins several years ago. They learned quickly that having their own biological child would be an extremely long and uncertain journey. While this news was difficult to process, they knew early on that God had called them to explore other options; specifically adoption.
They decided to end treatment and pursue adoption. In a fortunate turn of events they did not wait long. A birthmother choose them and the course of their lives changed the day they adopted their son.
Several years have passed since the thick of their infertility journey and adoption story began, but they have spent these 4 years with a continued hope to grow as a family with another adoption miracle. They continue to wait.
About the Painting:
An underpainting of messy, unstructured black lines fills the entire space of this canvas. It represents the past, where the darkest days of their infertility journey remain. Like the underpainting, these dark days are hardly recognizable in their lives today.
Blue wash represents the joy they have found in their decision to adopt.
This couple found solace on their journey through connecting with the ocean and bodies of water. They also sought comfort in their strong faith. A pale grey color represents that deep faith they have in God. A sandy color represents the foundation they built their family on and the hope that they carry. Shades of navy represent their strength and courage.
Flesh tones were added to symbolize the physical aspects of their journey and the bond they formed with their son. The circle represents their family unit. Two different shades of blue for both mom and dad, green represents their son. White and lighter shades of green represent the future.
This whole painting is a representation of hope. It is an abstract expression of their journey THROUGH INFERTILITY.
Through Infertility 3: Misunderstood
Misunderstood
This couple’s story is particularly gripping for me as it centers on some of the negative emotions that are brought to surface in this journey. Physical pain, emotional pain, isolation, frustration, bitterness, jealousy, being misunderstood, hurting, longing, and loneliness to name a few. These are the words they used when describing their story.
I connected with them in the midst of their infertility journey. After years of trying to conceive, they find themselves in the thick of the treatment. Dealing with pain and heartbreak of loss and months upon months of what is known as “charting”. Countless tears have been shed. They continue to hold onto the hope of one day seeing their dreams come true.
About the Painting:
Each painting’s first layer, before paint is ever applied, is a thin layer of tissue paper. On this paper, is their story, in their own words; written into the heart of the painting.
Next I painted a yellow staircase against a black backdrop. The stairs represent each year of their journey. The yellow represents hope to move forward and the black represents the darkest of emotions.
I incorporated flesh tones and I wrote hope across the canvas. Next a series of cross marks were made as a representation of the countless charts that were filled out in their journey.
Opposing pink and blue half circles represent the hope for a future child. A small circle made with texture paste represents the baby they lost too soon.
This couple’s story is particularly gripping for me as it centers on some of the negative emotions that are brought to surface in this journey. Physical pain, emotional pain, isolation, frustration, bitterness, jealousy, being misunderstood, hurting, longing, and loneliness to name a few. These are the words they used when describing their story.
I connected with them in the midst of their infertility journey. After years of trying to conceive, they find themselves in the thick of the treatment. Dealing with pain and heartbreak of loss and months upon months of what is known as “charting”. Countless tears have been shed. They continue to hold onto the hope of one day seeing their dreams come true.
About the Painting:
Each painting’s first layer, before paint is ever applied, is a thin layer of tissue paper. On this paper, is their story, in their own words; written into the heart of the painting.
Next I painted a yellow staircase against a black backdrop. The stairs represent each year of their journey. The yellow represents hope to move forward and the black represents the darkest of emotions.
I incorporated flesh tones and I wrote hope across the canvas. Next a series of cross marks were made as a representation of the countless charts that were filled out in their journey.
Opposing pink and blue half circles represent the hope for a future child. A small circle made with texture paste represents the baby they lost too soon.
Through Infertility 4: Scars of Heart
Scars of Heart
This couple’s infertility story is another that continues to unfold. They have been trying for over five years. After a diagnosis of PCOS, and several attempts with clomid, a doctor suggested a weight loss surgery for the female to increase odds.
She says this was one of the hardest things she has ever faced. She no longer can eat normally and often struggles just to eat.
After healing they did in fact become pregnant. A miracle. Heartbreakingly, only 9 weeks into this pregnancy they lost the baby.
Devastation and depression hit hard. They are working to heal and have begun to take steps to try again.
About the painting:
Each painting’s first layer, before paint is ever applied, is a thin layer of tissue paper. On this paper, is their story, in their own words; written into the heart of the painting.
A half circle of teal represents PCOS awareness. A layer of yellows were added for hope. I added five blue lines to represent the years. Scattered marks of black represent the unrelenting pain. The black layers over the teal represent the surgery, pain and healing.
A textured small circle represents the baby they lost far too soon. Flesh tones are incorporated as a reminder of the physical elements that are affected by this journey.
This whole painting represents persistence. It is a tangible representation of their journey THROUGH INFERTILITY.
This couple’s infertility story is another that continues to unfold. They have been trying for over five years. After a diagnosis of PCOS, and several attempts with clomid, a doctor suggested a weight loss surgery for the female to increase odds.
She says this was one of the hardest things she has ever faced. She no longer can eat normally and often struggles just to eat.
After healing they did in fact become pregnant. A miracle. Heartbreakingly, only 9 weeks into this pregnancy they lost the baby.
Devastation and depression hit hard. They are working to heal and have begun to take steps to try again.
About the painting:
Each painting’s first layer, before paint is ever applied, is a thin layer of tissue paper. On this paper, is their story, in their own words; written into the heart of the painting.
A half circle of teal represents PCOS awareness. A layer of yellows were added for hope. I added five blue lines to represent the years. Scattered marks of black represent the unrelenting pain. The black layers over the teal represent the surgery, pain and healing.
A textured small circle represents the baby they lost far too soon. Flesh tones are incorporated as a reminder of the physical elements that are affected by this journey.
This whole painting represents persistence. It is a tangible representation of their journey THROUGH INFERTILITY.
Through Infertility 5: Growing and Grieving
Growing and Grieving
This couple’s infertility story is another unique look into the emotional challenges of infertility. After struggling to get pregnant and then finding out that they would have issues conceiving, they worked diligently on altering their lifestyle to optimize their chances before taking the next steps with treatment. With the greatest excitement they became successfully pregnant. However, in the midst of this joyful time, devastation took hold as it became clear that her mother would soon be leaving this earth.
Focus continually shifted between worry and excitement for the growing baby―And heartbreak for the slow loss of her mother. The two experiences becoming so intermingled, and heavily affecting the emotional well being of this couple, that it took years to heal from the trauma.
They couple later went on to go through treatment to conceive their second child.
About the Painting:
This painting has not one but two layers of tissue paper. One is blank, representing the unnamable emotions, the feelings that could not be described with words. The second layer is filled with the words that they choose and the words that depict their journey.
Repeating circles and lines were used to symbolize the constant repetitive nature of trying to conceive. How the experience becomes consuming and daunting. Several washes of colorful deep blue were added to symbolize being washed over or taken over with stress. Growing from the center is a joyful light bright circle that represents the miracle of life. Magenta was added to represent their daughter. Because the welcoming of their daughter happened during the most difficult parts of their grief journey heavy darkness looms around the edges of this painting. Marks and lines and splashes of paint represent all the complicated and mixed emotions. This painting is a tangible representation of their journey THROUGH INFERTILITY.
This couple’s infertility story is another unique look into the emotional challenges of infertility. After struggling to get pregnant and then finding out that they would have issues conceiving, they worked diligently on altering their lifestyle to optimize their chances before taking the next steps with treatment. With the greatest excitement they became successfully pregnant. However, in the midst of this joyful time, devastation took hold as it became clear that her mother would soon be leaving this earth.
Focus continually shifted between worry and excitement for the growing baby―And heartbreak for the slow loss of her mother. The two experiences becoming so intermingled, and heavily affecting the emotional well being of this couple, that it took years to heal from the trauma.
They couple later went on to go through treatment to conceive their second child.
About the Painting:
This painting has not one but two layers of tissue paper. One is blank, representing the unnamable emotions, the feelings that could not be described with words. The second layer is filled with the words that they choose and the words that depict their journey.
Repeating circles and lines were used to symbolize the constant repetitive nature of trying to conceive. How the experience becomes consuming and daunting. Several washes of colorful deep blue were added to symbolize being washed over or taken over with stress. Growing from the center is a joyful light bright circle that represents the miracle of life. Magenta was added to represent their daughter. Because the welcoming of their daughter happened during the most difficult parts of their grief journey heavy darkness looms around the edges of this painting. Marks and lines and splashes of paint represent all the complicated and mixed emotions. This painting is a tangible representation of their journey THROUGH INFERTILITY.